I was reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and all the behaviors associated with it.
Popular wisdom says most people with NPD can never be cured.
Those who ARE cured usually hit a “rock bottom” experience that drives them to change and heal themselves.
What’s funny is that a lot of information about NPD shows up on relationship and dating websites, which are supposed to be about finding and keeping true love.
“How to avoid the narcissist…”
“7 Red Flags that you’re dealing with a player or a hunter…”
“Is he a bad boy / cheater / scumbag or not?”
The discussion around narcissism and the signs of it usually makes for a very toxic conversation…which, of course, stomps out any notions of “love.”
Bitter, jaded, wounded women tend to congregate online to share their stories of how their last partner with NPD ruined their life.
Always absent from the discussion is the question: “Why did I choose to have this experience?”
Or, “What was MY role in the creation of this relationship?”
Or…gasp…“What actually WORKED WELL in this relationship?”
In my own personal experience, I’ve dated a guy who fits ALL the criteria for being a player… a hunter… a narcissist… a sociopath… and possibly even a psychopath.
(Yes, I live dangerously. What can I say?)
But he also fits many criteria for being a good guy.
Which version of him is accurate?
It’s tempting to get caught up in a study of all of a person’s bad behaviors (for example, if you’re in a relationship with them). Society pounds us with the notion that “focusing on what’s bad” is a worthwhile use of our time. (It’s not.)
I’ve noticed whenever I’ve chosen to focus more attention on someone’s good behavior, they actually become a better person.
They mutate right before my very eyes.
When I study their bad traits, I actually become more miserable. I start adopting the bad traits I’m “observing.”
So it begs the question, what’s worth paying attention to?
If attention is made up of the very stuff (i.e., THOUGHTS) that create our reality, then where do we place our attention in order to create the reality we want?
Wallace Wattles has a great passage in his book, The Science of Getting Rich. Although it’s mainly about money, it’s really a spiritual book about the nature of the universe and how it works:
“Things are not brought into being by thinking about their opposites. Health is never attained by studying disease and thinking about disease; righteousness is not to be promoted by studying sin and thinking about sin; and no one ever got rich by studying poverty and thinking about poverty.”
“Medicine as a science of disease has increased disease; religion as a science of sin has promoted sin, and economics as a study of poverty will fill the world with wretchedness and want.”
“[If you want to get rich,] do not talk about poverty; do not investigate it, or concern yourself with it. Never mind what its causes are; you have nothing to do with them.”
“What concerns you is the cure.”
You could add to that list… “If you want love, do not talk about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you want smooth sailing in relationships, do not talk about what’s wrong in your relationships. If you want good behavior, do not investigate bad behavior.”
I love Wattles’ passage, because it’s all about focusing on the right thing: the desired outcome / end goal / result you want.
In marketing, for example, you can choose to study which campaigns are generating your best results — or which ones are wasting your money.
It’s the “observation” itself that brings more of what’s being observed.
If you make a study out of your most SUCCESSFUL marketing campaigns, you’ll start to repeat those and generate more success.
But if you examine those campaigns that sucked — researching and trying to figure out “what went wrong” and why — you’ll be led down a rabbit hole to no where.
Pour all your attention into understanding what works well for you.
Which of your marketing campaigns brought the best results? Why? How? Figure it out.
Make an investigation out of it.
Then do more of those types of campaigns.
Forget the bad campaigns and just move on. Don’t bother fixing them, researching them, or figuring out why they sucked…or how to get your money back.
This one shift in focus will make all the difference in growing your organic business through effective marketing.
Talk soon,
Michelle
Michelle Lopez Boggs is a copywriter, copywriting mentor, and author of "The Anti-Marketing Manifesto: How to Sell Without Being a Sellout." She's helped her clients sell millions of dollars' worth of products and services online by using the MEI(S) principle — motivate, educate, and inspire, and sell. 