Today is Christmas and I did absolutely nothing, secluded myself from everyone, and it felt…familiar.
I reminisced about my ex-boyfriend, recalled how he used to make me laugh with his goofy sheriff’s voice: “Now you listen here, missy!”
I imagined having a time machine, so I could go back in time and stop myself nanoseconds before each instance where I was about to say a mean thing to him — and whisper to myself, “Let it go.”
I practically sat in a puddle of my own emotions, alternating between crying and envisioning my ultimate life.
Ahh…Christmas. Unlike most people, I don’t spend it engaging in typical festive activities or stuffing my face with peanut brittle. Instead, I use it to engage in a spiritual cleansing, in which I closely examine the kind of human I’ve been, and how this differs from the kind of human I want to be.
I do the ultimate spiritual “gap analysis” on myself and attempt to close the galaxy-like distance between who I am, and who I could be (my potential).
All the achievements I’ve had in the past 12 months suddenly don’t matter.
The only thing that matters is closing this gap.
I permit myself to daydream about the person I wish to become.
I want to be the kind of human being who…
- can go an entire year without logging onto Facebook and not feel like she’s missed anything important.
- experiences minimal distance between the time at which she conceives an idea, and time at which she executes the idea.
- exudes indestructible courage when it comes to creating and sharing her best work in the world.
- has complete freedom from the fear of loss.
- is at peace with the various ongoing “synchronization” that’s happening amongst all of humanity and its unique individuals, each one undergoing their own process.
I want to be the kind of human being whom anyone can spill their deepest, darkest secrets to and feel safe as a result — like for once in their life, they had a truly healthy, nonjudgmental witness really hearing them. Not through a filter, but through pure presence.
I want to be a person who inspires the best in herself, regardless of what bad behaviors others may be temporarily engaged in.
Some of my best times have been in solitude. And some of my worst times have been in solitude.
Reconciling this paradox is my daily battle.
To what extent do I really want to involve myself in my fellow human beings’ affairs?
That’s the ultimate question of a loner.
The answer represents that split hair difference between whether said loner turns out to be a mass shooter, or a wise person revered by many. (Even Mother Teresa had “nothing but emptiness and darkness” in the deepest part of her soul.)
“But it doesn’t have to be a battle,” says a new version of Christmas. “It can be easy. That’s my gift to you, if you’ll receive it.”
Leaving behind the old way, the dark ways — walking away from the past — even that of two minutes ago — and constantly daring to be in “THE NOW” is the best Christmas gift anyone could wish for.
By letting go of the past, we can close the gap between our current selves and our POTENTIAL selves faster than we ever thought possible.
Do I really want THAT kind of freedom?
Suffering and I are best buds…like grade school pals who can go decades not seeing each other, then pick up exactly where they left off. Not skipping a beat.
All forms of holding onto the past, clinging to it like fire, are what breed sadness, misery, and confusion even in the brightest among us.
This year my Christmas wish is to be a human who lives completely in the present, feeling fully “alive,” with complete mastery over her own thinking, and who defaults all major life choices to the wisdom of her own body.
This can be accomplished through none other than a death of my own worst enemy — “self.”
No more pretending life is “out there.” No more ignoring the deep, infinite well of wisdom deep inside.
Awesomeness is right the hell here…if only we’d be fully in the present moment.